Smile

by *Adolin-of-Light

What did you use to draw in this piece?
I used colored pencils and oil pastels.

It's fairly clear from your comments that the girl in the middle of all the smiles represents you in a difficult time. Would you care to talk at all about the hardships facing you?
I didn’t dare when I first posted the drawing in DA, but I guess I will now.
It was the hardest year of my life. and there were many things that went wrong, but I will try to make it as short as possible. My husband was a soldier in the US Army at the time. When I married him I left my country and my entire life there just to be with him. We were married for just a year and were planning to get out and start our lives a new, when they gave him orders to go to Iraq and serve for 14 months. They sent him to the most dangerous place at the most dangerous time during the war. I thought I would be strong about it, but I got severely sick while he was still preparing to leave, and couldn’t get over the sickness for several years. It was very hard time for both of us, and in my mind seemed like it would never end. The everyday stress of “Will he return, or will he get physically or mentally injured” was almost unbearable. I know there are so many people in the same situation and even worse. My husband returned and we both have only the scars to deal with, but there are so many that died, or got injured in numerous ways.

Were you jealous of all the happy faces around you? Did you feel cheated? Can you give a name to the central emotion of this piece?
During a time of suffering you don’t really see any faces. The whole world gets twisted and it feels more like you are living in a bad dream, not in the reality. There is no strength for jealousy or any other thought like that. The emotion in this piece is definitely sorrow, and helplessness. During that year my mother got sick and died from cancer in front of my eyes as well, so I had plenty of tears to cry out.

Do you remember the moment that this particular work of art came in to your mind?
It did come during that time, but I didn’t have the strength to finish it until a year after that, though I wrote a poem that goes with it and sent it to my husband in Iraq.

Question to God

In his eyes, I saw light. It was love at first sight.
In my hand, I found strength that gave strength to my heart.
In his only embrace, I felt safe and content
And for him was the only “Yes” I’ve ever meant.

Let me ask you - this love - was it given from you,
Or I just found a blessing I was not supposed to?

Did you want me to taste what is pleasure for a year,
And than pour over me all this pain, all this fear?
Did you find me so good to deserve such award,
Or for all of my sins gave me lesson in sorrow?

Do I have to stand test that I failed once before?
Do I have to face truth that will hurt even more?
Do I have to dream nightmares I wish were unreal,
And to learn how to swim in an ocean of tears?

Will it make me walk prouder, will it help me feel stronger
If I go through this way, that seems all life time long?

I know - love is not only passion and laughter.
It is how you survive the hard time that comes after.
And I guess real love doesn’t ask if you’re far,
If you’re poor, sick or old. Even death has no power!

And if I can’t do more, but to wait and to pray,
Than I’ll pray for our love every night, every day,
Cause in spite of all misery, madness and war
I still feel, that I’ve never been happier before!

One of the most powerful parts of this piece (at least to me) is that you took the girl's sadness to another level. You didn't create her simply frowning in the midst of so many smiles, but you, in fact, did not give her the ability to smile at all. Can you elaborate on your decision to not give the girl a mouth at all?
I just wanted to make it as close as the reality, and the reality was that during these times I just wasn’t able to smile a single time, like I simply didn’t have lips.

There are many symbols in this picture too, like the flowers. This flower in Bulgaria is called “Maiden’s tears”, so they represent my tears, just like the pearls around the girl’s neck that almost suffocate her. The desert landscape is the Iraq’s desert and the empty road is like a question “You went down that road, but will I see you coming back?”

When you look at this piece today how do you feel about it? Is it a reminder? Is it just as strong today as it was when you created it?
Time will never erase the feelings from this period. The picture will always remind me too, but even if I sell it one day, the experience form that time will stay. My question (from the poem) was answered, and the lesson was learned! “Don’t take anything for granted!”