This is a heads up for those of you who will be handing out treats this Halloween.

I know there's a big health nut craze going around, and indeed if you want to give all the urban moms a scare you could dress up as a carbohydrate molecule, but I believe that Halloween is a time for children to be free of all that. Every other day of the year, they're expected to be miniature adults, miniature adults who have to put up with henpecking and worry-warting and 24-hour surveillance and healthy, unswappable food. Halloween is the night they get to break the rules - stay up late, dress up weird and demand candy from people.

Now I grew up in a one-horse town and folks got it into their heads that to prevent children from becoming drunk with power on this night of mystery they would put them in their place by giving them sub-par treats. Well, I know this tactic inside and out.

If you want to support the spirit of Halloween, and also avoid a vicious egging, here's what NOT to give.

1. Apples. Not only do parents freak out about razorblades, kids can get apples any time they want! Parents give kids apples in their lunchboxes every day! Apples are a lame treat, even if you do cover them in caramel.
2. Bible verses. In my hometown, this always served the self-righteous pontiff with at least two cartons of Grade A Farm Fresh.
3. Chocolate-covered peanuts. These almost never taste good unless you buy a really good brand. Besides, Halloween can mean a lot of sweaty running around, and those things will melt everywhere.
4. Cookies you baked yourself. Might as well pre-crumble them before handing them out, because they are done for once they get tossed in the sack. Plus, baking cookies en masse means uneven baking and burned bits. Yuck.
5. Those caramels wrapped in orange wax paper. Does ANYBODY like those?
6. Dried fruit of any kind. You're not making a pity visit to the rest home. Dried fruit is an instant TP'ing.
7. Coupons. Probably the most disappointing thing ever to get in your plastic pumpkin.
8. Novelty Halloween candy wrapped in foil. This stuff tastes like wax. It may cost 20c per truckload but you'll be paying more to clean off the front of your house.
9. Mints. Unless there's some kind of chocolate on that mint, you're in big trouble. Kids hate mints because they remind them of toothpaste. If you MUST freshen their breath, try Andes mints or Peppermint Patties.
10. Popcorn balls. Stale, tasteless and crappy.

May your Halloween be filled with happiness and joy - and may your pumpkins remain unsmashed throughout the night!