Ugly Weiners

I've got a massive hangover from a big night of drinking, I just had the worst pot of instant coffee I've ever experienced, my mouth feels like the inside of a bird cage, and my eyes are crusted up like the rusty edges of my Nissan Pintara's bonnet. I can't think of a much more appropriate time to write the news article announcing the winners of the Ugly Contest.

Yes, you read right, winners. When this contest was announced, it was intended to be a winner-takes-all kind of contest. One where only the best of the best would take home the prize. But that decision was made based on the idea that there would be a clear-cut winner, one piece to rule them all, so to speak. But when my notes inbox flooded with piece after high quality piece of ugly-arse poetry and prose, I had to rethink my prize scheme. As a result, we've got three winners; one from prose, one from poetry, and one other. So without further ado (with the exception of the occasional real-life swaying trip to the bathroom) let's have a peek at the winners.

The Ugly Prose Award: Looking Down On Me by `Jon-Law

Before you all groan and complain that I've only picked this as winner because it received a Daily Deviation, I want you to do two things for me. Firstly, I want you to trust me when I assure you that when judging for the competition, I put all external factors out of my mind and considered them on their writing alone. Secondly, I want you to go and read the story. Go. Do it now, I'll wait right here.

_{(man my head hurts)}

All done? No more arguments? Great. With this piece, `Jon-Law has channelled some intense images into a story that both revolts and fascinates. From the very first sentence, the reader is subjected and entwined with words that cause our mind's eye to water. The ride is a tragic one, without redemption and without respite until, perhaps, the very last sentence. I can't really say anything about this story that your gut wouldn't say more eloquently while you read this piece. He wins:

A $30 gift voucher to Amazon donated by *Adeimantus
A competition thrown in his name (see the bottom of this article for details!)
An opportunity to have his piece produced and published by the fantastic SoundZine!
There will also be a new stickied thread in the forums dedicated to winners of competitions, the inaugural post of which will belong to `Jon-Law!

Honourable mentions:
Dependence by ~IfrozenspiritI:
~IfrozenspiritI has always had a way with imagery and descriptive language. In this piece, she has crafted a beautiful slice of ugly, a desperate, needy story of (funnily enough) dependence.

The Sprog by *simeberg:
If *simeberg is as interesting and spontaneous in real life as he is with his story ideas, then he must be one hell of a character. This story has one of the most unique voices I have had the pleasure of reading. Innocent and quirky, and beautifully suited to the events that it describes, I found myself laughing and feeling sick at the same time.

In Fifths and Packs by `nonculture:
`nonculture crafts a tense, gritty story of a modern-day gangster gypsy psycho killer. The pace of this story is perfect, all the way up to the best final line of any story here. Do yourself the favour, or else.

In the diary of no one by *Amberlouie:
*Amberlouie is known for her brilliant characterisation, and that talent is stretched to its limit in this tale of a, uh, personality-challenged (or should that be endowed?) protagonist in a setting as dirty as his mind.



The Ugly Poetry Award: Crow by ~paradoxicalshaman

I have a confession to make. It's horrible, but please, bear with me while I burp it out. When I wrote the guidelines for this contest, I wrote them with prose specifically in mind. I didn't think that poetry had any chance of conveying ugliness with the same effect that prose could.



Well colour me a fucking donkey's arse, because ~paradoxicalshaman (and his honourably mentioned cohorts below) has made me eat my thoughts and wash them down with a cup of sick. 'Crow' is an incredible piece of poetry. Here's a snippet:

'He can’t get over the ripe
pop, the ease as the bloke’s neck came like a furious orgasm,
a wet pink cloud – burst, an eye, an olive.'

If that doesn't make you want to read the rest, I don't know what would. A very well-deserved placing, ~paradoxicalshaman wins his choice of a one-year subscription to deviantART, or a print of equal or lesser value, donated by the incomparible ^GunShyMartyr.

Honourable mentions:
I'm not so good at providing summaries of poetry, so I'm just going to take excerpts from each to entice you to read them.

crayons by ~e-bojnowski
'we keep the photographs woven into our ribs
until we separate the membrane
and step out :
audacious caterpillars emerging from a husk.'

ways to skin cats by ~AlienDonkey
'if you don’t know how long it takes
to skin a cat – then test yourself
on folding up the furry hide and
cutting up around the eyes.'

sketched:skyscrapehigh:wastelands by ~verablue3618
'I try to twist your sidewalks pungent tapestry into beauty.
A flash of rich colours to choose from.
But all that stares back is carnage.'

Something Like the Sun by *Adeimantus
'My mistress' eyes are something like the sun;
They're not exactly gold or burnished red;
just clumps of mucus, green opposed to dun.'
(*Adeimantus wins the Smart-Arse award, which, appropriately, earns him sweet bugger all d: )



The Ugly Other Award: Descension by *NLY

When this contest was announced, it called for poetry and prose. *NLY's entry is something else entirely. I hate to sound like a pretentious wanker (oh, who am I kidding) but the term 'subverting the form' comes to mind when reading through his entry. 'Descension' is a mash up roller-coaster ride of thoughts and impressions that often border on insane, but within the ramblings hides some exquisite comments on life and the incredibly ugly nature it can obtain. Please, I am begging you, read this piece, then go back and read it again. You won't be disappointed. *NLY wins his choice of a one-year subscription to deviantART, or a print of equal or lesser value donated by myself.



The Ugly Miniature Contest:
To celebrate `Jon-Law's win, I want you (yes you) to write a rant about him. It can be a tale of adrenalin and partying in the streets of Las Vegas. A relating of how you and him robbed a liquor store and used the spoils to light a house on fire. A touching memory of the last passionate night you and him spent a night in France, it doesn't matter. Just make it as believable and personal as possible. Post it in a journal, and note me with the link to the journal. There's a 1,000 word limit and your entries must be in by December 10th. The best story (as voted by `Jon-Law) wins a six month subscription (or equivalent print) as a prize.



And finally
Thank you to everyone who entered the contest! You made this damn hard to whittle down. Good luck with your writing in the future, and keep it ugly! (: