"It is estimated that depression affects as many as... one in eight adolescents." -[link]

As a former cutter I'm concerned. I'm worried about the "Emo" kids. The kids who need/want attention that just aren't going about it in the right way. But I'm really worried about the other kids too. The kids who pretend that everything is fine, when they're hiding scars or throwing up or starving, or whatever version of self-harm they've claimed for themselves. Today we call it being "Emo" and there's a whole style to follow the trend. But it's depression, it's manic-depression, it's bipolar disorder. Or a mild mood disorder. It's a call for attention, or a way to push away unwanted attention. It is what it is.

Please read the following with compassion. Take it to heart, learn something. Whatever, just please start by being open.


Please do not insult a cutter, you cannot begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling right now. Insulting them will only make their self worth plummet that much more.

- If they are doing it for attention, we can all say it isn't the right way of going about getting it, but they do need some positive attention. Don't pay extra attention to the actual act of cutting, but to the person. What can you say positively about them? To them? Think about why this particular person is cutting, don't put them in a stereotyped group.
- The people who do hide it are in worse shape, if people do find out, they find better ways of hiding it. The goal here is just to be supportive. Ask them what they need without being too pushy. Sometimes they just need a friend, someone to listen to them. Sometimes they need you to tell an adult who will take care of them, if you think they're suicidal.

Cutting is an addiction. Like smoking, like cocaine, like heroine even. If you are not a cutter, don't assume that people simply cut for the sake of having a scar (there are those people as well though). Don't assume that just because you care, or you ask them to stop that they can just "stop" it doesn't work that way. And if you tell them to promise you that they won't do it again, they will try, sure. But stop, that's harder. They'll pent it up, they'll do it for you for as long as possible and then again. It is an addiction.

Some people cut because they say it makes them able to feel again. Others do it to take away the pain. To concentrate on the physical pain instead of the mental. Rarely is cutting a suicidal thing. Please do not say "That sucks you didn't succeed." Or "You did it the wrong way." To most people that's an obvious no-no. But teenagers are mean. Most cutters are not actually suicidal it's just a way of expressing their pain.

Things I hate or hated as a cutter:
- People who said I had nothing to be depressed about. "Depression is a serious, but treatable, mental problem. It is a medical problem not a personal weakness." -[link]

- People who did it for attention. Though now I understand.

- Psychiatrists. I hated them all. I hate medication and I think I just projected that on them.

- People who were overly caring, asking questions all the time, or people who only cared if they saw a fresh scar.

- Myself. I hated myself, I hated feeling too much,I hated feeling nothing at all.

- I hate the word "emo." It bothers me to know that it has become a trend, a fashion statement to be "emo." Like being depressed or bipolar is something to revel in.


My Story
I had a normal childhood, a happy childhood. My parents are amazing. They loved me, they taught me right from wrong, they always took care of me. I was never abused by anyone, I was not overly made fun of as a child. My parents got divorced when I was three but always loved me and each other. They raised me to be the woman I am today. They had nothing to do with my depression (except maybe bad genes...haha). I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (a chemical imbalance in my brain) when I was thirteen. I had switched from a private Waldorf school to a public Junior High for eighth grade and was a bit shell-shocked so to speak. I went from a school that had a total of 200 students K-8, to a school where there were 200 students in my grade alone and I saw a gang fight for the first time in my life. These things definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone but I don't believe they caused my depression. I had friends there. I was into Theater and I loved my English class. In November of my first semester, a sophomore at the local high school was found dead. She had hung herself. Somehow I felt strangely connected to her. I wrote a song about it entitled Gone and later put it on deviantart. I started cutting the following month. I don't think that her death caused my depression (I didn't know her, except through other friends), I do think it may have triggered it. My parents found out in March and they freaked out. I went to therapy starting the end of that month and was first put on Zoloft in May and was sent to a Psychiatrist that I hated. Really, truly, could not stand.
I had a therapist that really listened to me and she got me through it. She let me draw, or write down my feelings instead of speaking, because I was never very good at talking about it. I didn't like feeling pressured to talk. The Zoloft started making me feel numb, which just made me want to cut more and then it stopped working all together. So they put me on Welbutrin which brought me to an even line I suppose. I would be alright for a month or two and then suddenly *CRASH* for a day , a week, or months. Slowly the times between grew longer and longer. and then it had been a year. The first year I cut it was almost every day, I couldn't get away from the intoxicating feeling it gave me. Then it was once a week, once a month. It was sporadic and deliberate all at the same time. After my freshman year of high school, I left. I went to the community college and graduated high school January of 2007. I was much happier there. But I still cut every so often.

I told you this condensed version of my story because sometimes it helps to hear a personal side of it. For more of what I was actually feeling at the time go to ~fucklife. It's my old account with my old poetry and other writing.
I wrote this as a response to some of the comments people were leaving on this person's deviation [link]