“Baby..did you forget to take your meds? “
Coping with Mental Health Problems through art

“I was alone, falling free,
trying my best not to forget, [...]
I was confused by the powers that be,
forgetting names and faces,
Passers by, were looking at me,
as if they could erase it. “
(Placebo, “Meds” from the album “Meds”, 2006 Virgin UK/ EMI )

Ok, it does feel a bit cheesy, starting an article with a quote from a song, albeit a great one. But since this is an article about expressing yourself through art, I figured it fitted.

A little bit of background information

After battling with depression and self-harm for a number of years, I was finally diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) last year. In a way, that was quite a relief, to finally have a name for this “thing” that had been causing problems for me for such a long time. It was a first step to recognising what was wrong and start addressing the issues. On the other hand, it made things more difficult, because the diagnosis comes with many preconceived ideas about the person who has this disorder, both in the heads of the general public, but sadly also in the eyes of many professionals. Borderliners are seen as notoriously difficult to treat, attention seeking troublemakers.

But what is a “ personality disorder”?
If we take a look at the brochure “Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder”, published by MIND1 it states that:
“BPD is one of many personality disorders listed in the manuals used by clinicians when they are giving someone a psychiatric diagnosis. The word ' personality' refers to the ongoing pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviour that makes us who we are. A personality disorder may be diagnosed when it's felt that several areas of someone's personality are causing them or others problems in everyday life.”
This of course causes much discussion right from the onset. Does it mean that I am somehow a bad person? That my whole personality is flawed? And if it is, how can you treat someone with this disorder?

The diagnosis

For a diagnosis of BPD to be made, at least 5 of the following symptoms have to be present for a year or longer:

self harm or suicidal behaviour
intense fear of being left alone
unstable and extremely intense relationships
a very shaky and unstable sense of self, distorted self-image. This could include doubts about one's sexual identity.
Engaging in impulsive or risk-taking behaviour
mood swings
chronic feelings of emptiness
easy irritability and difficulty to control one's anger
feelings of dissociation or experiences of almost “trance-like” states

Most people might experience some of those symptoms at one point in their life, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they have BPD. I am extremely wary of “diagnosing” oneself, especially after getting information online. If you are worried about any of the above symptoms, you should speak to a qualified professional.

“I was confused by the powers that be,
forgetting names and faces,
Passers by, were looking at me,
as if they could erase it. [...]
I was alone, staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge.”
(Placebo, “Meds” from the album “Meds”, 2006 Virgin UK/ EMI )


Integrating it into everyday life

One of the greatest problems I have is thoughts spiralling out of control. I find it incredibly hard to stay focused at times or not to let my thoughts go into a massive downward spiral. If something bad happens, or if I think I'm being criticised, I immediately imagine the worst outcome possible. Going into my overdraft, I vividly imagine sleeping under a bridge soon. Somebody saying something about me, I think they must hate me and that I'm a bad person.

“You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.."
(Placebo, “Song To Say Goodbye” from the album “Meds”, 2006 Virgin UK/ EMI)

This song could have been written by me, about myself sometimes.
So of course these kind of thought patterns make it very hard at times to function normally. It could easily be said that I'm my own harshest critic. It has taken a long time, but I am slowly learning to ease up a little, give myself a break, allowing myself the freedom of no always having to be perfect. And I must say, being part of this art community here has helped tremendously. Slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to relax a little.

“I know one thing: That the truth
In her eyes makes me love her
Sticks could break her little fine bones
But words could never harm her
She is crazy, she is crazy
You can't hurt her, you can't break her”
( Barby Kelly, “She's Crazy”, from the album Over The Hump, 1994 Kel-Life/ EMI)


Coping methods and the need to take responsibility into your own hands

So, to answer my earlier question, I do not think that having this disorder means one's personality is flawed, or that it makes you a “bad” person. It is an illness, and yes, it has been, and still is, causing me some serious problems, but it is by no means the sign of a weakness of character. Over time, I have found a number of ways that help me cope with BPD, especially the more serious issue of hurting myself, both mentally (through constantly putting myself down for example) and physically, through self harm. Art, especially photography and writing, being of course very high up on that list of coping methods. But there are also a number of distractions to try out. The National Self Harm Network has published a very comprehensive list, put together by its members, details of which can be found here: [link]. Some of the distractions I use on a regular basis include listening to music, translating the song lyrics, making songs into little stories, even tidying my flat. Anything to prevent me from falling into a downward spiral really. Of course, anybody has to chose those distractions that work best for him/her. But I think it is very important to take responsibility into your own hands. I have been on psychiatric wards twice so far, and always hated the thought of giving up my independence and putting myself completely into the hands of others. Sadly, no pill has yet been invented to cure personality disorders, and I'm not joking when I say that therapy is bloody hard work, at times extremely painful and by no means easygoing, but nonetheless not impossible.


Art as a way to express yourself

Art, in whichever form, expressing oneself creatively, is a wonderful help in coping with illness. Drawings, photographs or paintings can often express much better how you're feeling than words ever could. I have found photography, both the actual taking of pictures and the editing of them afterwards a fantastic distraction. It has also brought me into contact with like-minded people with whom I can share my appreciation of good photographs, or sometimes just a lazy Sunday afternoon natter in the chatroom. Not to miss the confirmation that I get that people appreciate what I do, that I CAN do something right. Through art, our true self can be revealed. It takes our minds off our problems or it can be an outlet for our worries and our thoughts. I always find that it helps calm me down and put some structure back into my sometimes chaotic and fragmented mind. I can only encourage anyone to get creative; give it a try and express yourself through art. And don't ever think you're not good enough or be put off by what others do/say. I'm sure you'll find something you'll like and that suits your own style. Put pen to paper, get your thoughts out there, maybe a great poem or a story might emerge. Take your mobile or camera and start taking pictures. Have a look at the wonderful stock resources out there and start photomanipulating. Or browse your local arts and crafts store for inspiration. When I was in hospital, suddenly everybody started knitting! Or it could be great fun making your own jewellery or things for your room. The possibilities are endless. Another great side effect I discovered through photography is the fact that I now “see” a lot more, I notice my surroundings and get a feel for situations and stories through pictures. I've learned a lot about my city by wandering its streets and taking pictures. And I've learned just as much about myself in the process; how to be patient (believe me, getting those films developed can take a loooong time!), attention to detail, persevering if something doesn't turn out the way I want it to, opening myself up for critique and of course allowing myself to do things for myself, to have fun and treat myself well. The downside to all this is my ebay addiction, where I might be found hunting for expired films and other photographic goodies on a regular basis now!

Art can play a crucial role in helping you cope with illness, and as there is such a wide variety of it out there, I am certain that you can find something that will tickle your interest. See you in the chatroom!



Resources and Help:
Favazza, Armando R. : Bodies Under Siege: Self-Mutilation in Culture and Psychiatry
Johns Hopkins University Press
Knuf, Andreas; Tilly, Christiane: Borderline - Das Selbsthilfebuch (Broschiert)
Balance Buch + Medien; (February 2007)
Strong, Marilee: A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain
Virago Press; (2000)
ICD-10 online: [link]
MIND UK: [link] mental health charity, run in England and Wales, with lots of information about all matters relating to mental health and well-being
The National Self Harm Network: [link] very helpful site and internet forum for people who self-harm, their friends and family

With thanks to and who read the article and came up with some very helpful suggestions to improve it, and to the team at Rheinische Kliniken Duesseldorf for their invaluable support.