It all started with a deviation...



... a simple deviation wherein =CapnGarrett captured the essence of the Complaints regulars. Everybody was drinking, being merry, and being themselves. Soon, this deviation became a staple of the Complaints forum, and now, it has turned into something more.

*Warlock258 and =SylverKitsune decided one day, in utter boredom, to create a chatroom. This chatroom borrowed the name of =CapnGarrett's little deviation, and thus, #TheComplaintsTavern was born.

The Complaints Tavern is a place where all Complaints forum regulars can come and receive love and supp-

Oh, who am I kidding. A ton of shit goes down here, and sometimes it can be a supportive place, but most of the time, it's like the whole Complaints forum got together, did some crack, and went spelunking on YouTube.

It really is the greatest place in the world.

And since this chatroom is so beloved and close to mine and other's hearts, I proposed the idea of our very own newsletter.

And now me and the Complaints Tavern regulars present, in a concerted effort, THE COMPLAINTS TAVERN NEWSLETTER, ISSUE ONE!

*Clapping ensues*

The newsletter is going to be composed almost entirely out of material from Complaints Tavern regulars. This is the first issue, so please bear with the slight unorganized-ness.

BREAKING NEWS!

ScorpionOuSexist Suspended, Orgies Ensue

The infamous =ScorpionOuSauterelle, after a veritable running of the bulls of sexist slurs and racist remarks, has been suspended for a length of time unknown. Dozens of female forumers have poured into the streets wearing nothing but T-shirts emblazoned with “have you hugged your harpy today” and "succubi are sexy", joyously celebrating the occasion. (Author anonymous)

Complaints Tavern Featured!

The Complaints Tavern has been featured by $Tachy-on in the news article News: Featured Chatrooms".

Columns

~PaxtonMan's Epic Fail

Hi everybody! I'm PaxtonMan! I frequently browse the complaints forum and I have pretty lulzy, sometimes non believeable stories. If you believe them or not, I just hope you enjoy the shit I spin frequently in the Tavern. Today you'll be hearing about how anger is not always the best solution.

Alright, so there I was. Two hours before work. READY TO PLAY SOME AWESOME VIDEO GAME. This one was Skate 2, one I hold very dear to me. However, it decided to be a gigantic stinky cunt of a disc and not read properly.

Instead of doing the logical thing and calmly going upstairs, I fuckin raged hardcore. Without thinking as if on psycho nerd rage instincts, I grabbed the disc from the drive, put it in the case and smashed it with a hammer! This was a good idea until a chunk of CD shrapnel flew into my left shin.

I screamed a scream as if the world was going to end. I also became very angry and annoyed that the fact a piece of CD was in my fucking LEG. As if to say: "Fuck you PaxtonMan, I'm going to assault you now."

In my extra rage I kicked the wall. Normally this would have been fine if the wall was, oh say... Stone, or a rock type substance. Folks, I'm a Tae Kwon Do blackbelt, when I kick shit in anger... Which I shouldn't, I kick them technically sound. (Picture Bruce Lee doing a simple kick when you read technically sound) Now if it were stone I'd be fine, the stone would have taken the impact and the shock of the force I used would have popped the CD chunk straight out.

I have an unfinished basement with drywall. Fun times. The drywall decided to be a bitch and clamp shut on my leg, shoving the CD chunk into my leg more causing more pain. After screaming like a wounded animal for a minute or two, I proceeded to yank my leg out of the wall.

As if God, the greatest comedian of all, with his divine wisdom and limitless humor was watching me do the things I do, he decided to take one of the cinderblocks from my unfinished basement and put it in the path of my face.

10 bandages and some anti-septic later. I was ready to limp my ass to work and endure a hard days work. Which I did. Upon arriving home tired, exausted and ready for some video games. I sat down in my gaming chair well equipped with a mini fridge stocked full of beer and mountain dew. I reached for my controller, and I decided I wanted to play a nice relaxing game of Skate 2.

Then it dawned on me that I just spent the whole morning trashing my basement and myself because that fucking cock sucking, aids riddled whore of a CD wouldn't read on my fucking piece of shit xbox! You know that FFUUUUUUU comic that's circling the internet? Yeah... If you heard a loud sound or some kind of rage, and you thought it was a bear... and you live somewhere in Alaska. It wasn't no bear, it was a really pissed off gamer dork. Otherwise known as me.

Alright stop...

...ANGRY TIME!

Every month, *Mattyohh will be doing a column full of ANGER and RAGE, presented in a civilized manner.

Antonio Banderas; The Most Rubbish Actor of All Time

I went out last night, and as such I feel shit now. So I had been sleeping on the couch tonight, and when I woke up, I saw that Take the Lead was one. It was the part where the bearded teacher was slamming his idea of teaching trouble teens how to dance in detention. Now I didn’t overly like this premise, I was like who is this bearded bastard to tell Hantonio Bandaraz (As I pronounce his name) what to do in detention with these kids. In the end though I sided with the bearded bastard when Antonio opened his mouth, and the worst verbal comet of crap spewed forth. I’m not going to give a direct translation of this rousing speech, as I don’t know it off by heart, and I’m not going to pretend to be motivated enough to Google for it.

Bearded Bastard: You’re shit, and Spanish, or Mexican, why are you teaching kids how to dance in detention, it’s detention, not So You Think You Can Dance.

Antonio: Quiet now, bearded little man. I am Hantonio Bandaraz, and I speak like an angel’s orgasm.

Bearded Bastard: This is outrageous, I have some sort of authority position that I’m exploiting, because I’m white, and generally Xenophobic.

Antonio: Ladies and Gentleman, teaching your children dance will teach the boys respect for women, no hitting them, because when you dance, you can rub yourself against them. Your girls will have self-respect, and won’t come home knocked up, after sleeping with some boy, because they’re sleeping with me, and I always use a rubber.

Bearded Bastard: I have this piece of paper they all signed, it’s a release form preventing them from suing us, if they spill coffee on themselves, but I’m waving it at you. NO DANCING

Antonio: I am very sexy; let your kids dance with me.

Stereotypical Black Lady: DAAYUMMM MMHMMM do you do adult lessons?

I stopped watching this movie soon afterwards. I don’t these kinds of movies, the whole we’re going to overcome our social and behavioral problems through dance. No dance doesn’t work that way, you can’t go from a coke fiend to a function member of society, because you two stepped in some concert. Or maybe I’m just bitter cause I’m hella white, and can’t dance.

Dear Timmy

This is like Dear Abby, but instead, I take a problem from the Complaints Forum and pose a solution.

This month's forum post is by =MasterPlanner and the post is located here

The only local radio station that plays good music has just shut down due to the economy. Everything else plays grungebuttrock, Britney Spears and her ilk, bubblegum tweenybopper pop which only qualifies as music in the same sense as Edward Cullen qualifies as a vampire, and gangsta rap. This lack of good music depresses me.

Links because it did happen: [link]

inb4: , "shit yourself, that'll show them," "the economy, there's your problem," or ""


Dear =MasterPlanner,

I would recommend internet radio. This has a larger range of material, and you can find what you want. Otherwise, you'll listen to Britney, and you'll enjoy it dammit!

Another hobby I recommend is eating. But do remember, what goes in, must come out, so I also recommend use of a laptop, or a diaper, so then your bowel movements do not get in the way of your internet usage.
That'll show 'em.

One final option, is going deaf. Then you won't have to worry about music, because you can't hear anything.

Love and kisses,
Timmy


This month's post was chosen by `timmy64. To nominate a post you think I should tackle in my segment next month, NOTE ME!

Timmy out!

Interview!

By

For the first Tavern Newsletter I chose to interview the most obvious candidates, the management. The two who started this whole thing.

This is what they had to say...

1. So first off, the obvious question what made you guys think of starting and running a complaints chat? Is the forum just not large enough for our whining and moaning?

*Warlock258 -
Well, truth be told =SylverKitsune thought up the entire thing in the middle of a thread that has long since dropped off the list, so I guess I can't really provide you a link. She made a poll, which faced a mixed response of cynicism and "Do It Faggot"-esque messages, then somewhere in the middle of it went ahead and made it.
Actually, at first I thought it was doomed to fail, and really was only there for the cheap lulz that it provided... Until of course I threw a couple of suggestions to Sylver at 2:00AM of the first night about how the chat room needed to be run (The Rulebook, Privclasses and moderators, balance of powers like kicking and banning, etc.), at which point she threw me in what is now called "Management" so I could set it all up. Afterwords I've just been sitting in that lofty position, so... um... yeah.

=SylverKitsune -
I was bored.
Seriously, that's the entire reason I made the thing. I was in a thread with Warlock and I believe ~Rasec-Wizzlbang, and suddenly was like "HAY I'M BORED, WE SHOULD HAVE A CHAT ROOM. THEN WE CAN BE BORED AT HYPER-SPEED." And they were like "hell yes!" So I made a poll, some people responded with "no, that sucks!" but many more reacted with joy, and so I 'borrowed' the name from =CapnGarrett and his deviation of many lulz... and the Tavern was born!
I know nothing about commands and actually running a chat, so Warlock's been a great help there. Hell - until I MADE the chat, I'd only BEEN in a chat room ONCE. I am so shitting you not. I'm clueless about it. Entirely.

2. Looks like it worked out better than you thought then. How long have you guys been active in the forum and are you the type who looks back at a better time or things it's always been the same?

=SylverKitsune -
I've been active in the forums for around two years now, and fricking love it. I have no idea why I didn't find this thing sooner! Of course when I first joined I was a 14-year-old weeaboo, so Complaints would have eaten me alive.
Honestly it seems like it's been greatly the same. People come, they bitch, they behave essentially like a crowded room full of extremely dysfunctional family members... and then they do it again tomorrow. There are bumps and drama (Nazis, sexists, odd girls who steal tic-tacs and then unleash their "science"...) but all in all - I love it.

*Warlock258 -
No shit. I've been a member of Complaints since about January (Quite new I am), although I have been lurking since I joined 6 months ago. Well, I can't really have nostalgia about "better" days because I've really only experienced the complaints of now.

3. And now for something completely different... I give you three wishes, you can wish for anything but more wishes. Go.

=SylverKitsune -
Lemme think...
1) To be Scaramouche in the US' revival version (the imaginary one I'm dreaming about) of We Will Rock You.
2) Cure for AIDS. One made available to everyone who needs it, not just rich people who can afford it.
3) To see a good friend of mine again. Even for a moment.

*Warlock258 -
Damn! Um... I'd want:

1. More time to myself, I swear to god people want way too much to do with me.

2. I want my own private Viking Army!

3. Well, I guess next I would wish for um... ( ._.)... What's the punishment again for wishing for more wishes?





4. Fmylife.com has been quoted a lot in the chat, what's you're biggest fml moment or if you can't think of one what's your favourite fml from the site?

*Warlock258 -
Well, there was that one time I walked by a small heated water tank and knocked it over (stupid headphone chord), and like barely escaped punishment, and probably would've been electrocuted if I tried to clean it up... I'm guessing that teacher has even more of a vendetta against me than she did before. Yeah, my life isn't that fucked up.

=SylverKitsune -
Erh, I've never actually been there, so I don't have a favorite... I've had many serious, baww-filled FML moments that wouldn't be fun to share, but the one that comes to mind is when I made potatoes au gratin last. The sauce boiled over completely onto the stove, making a horrible smoke and hiss and sort of caking the stove - then I knocked over the potatoes themselves onto the floor, narrowly missing the cat, who I don't think has forgiven me to this day.


5. Finally by request, tits Y/Y

=SylverKitsune -
Y, Y, TTLY Y.

*Warlock258 -
If you mean the bird, then no. My parakeet will suffice. Yes, I know it's Y/Y, i'm still saying no, I hate birds. |:

Art Features

Hello everyone, =AceOfHearts848 reporting for duty! Here I'll be featuring great art from all the people who frequent the chatroom the most. Remember guys, they're not just crazy people in a chatroom, they're artists, too! So have a gander.

By =GoThIc-PyRo:


By ~Morthax:


By ~OriginalMovement:


By =BiggCaZ:


By =SANE-INTOLERANT:


By =cassiedj:


By =JosephBenton:


By =CittensCollar:


By ~LOVEintheSNOW:


By =SylverKitsune:


Weren't featured in this issue? Don't worry! You'll more than likely be featured next month!

Garrett’s Wiki-word Game!

It’s that time of the month again, (for the very first time!) where you must compete against others in a battle of wits for the chance to win a portion of my income, in the form of a months subscription!

_{DISCLAIMER: IF FOR ANY REASON I GET FIRED FROM MY JOB, BE IT REDUNDANCY OR JUST BEING CAUGHT EATING FROM THE BINS, THEN I WON’T BE PLAYING ANYMORE.
BUT FOR NOW MY BIN-RAIDS ARE UNDETECTED SO WE ARE FINE.}

Every month I will post a Wikipedia article on someone or something. Now with every Wikipedia article, as we all know, the words in them that are links to other articles are coloured blue. Now I will pick out, in secret, one of the blue words in the article I post.

All you have to do to win, is to wait until I, =CapnGarrett, am online in our very own Complaints Tavern chatroom. The first person who shouts the blue word or words I’ve chosen (the ‘secret Wiki word’ at me in the chatroom wins and will be subscribed for a month when they are announced in the next Complaint Tavern newsletter.
Nobody will be informed at the time when somebody wins, not even the winner, so you will all have to keep your little lookballs on this newsletter until they are announced!

Now I’ve been thinking all week for something to have as this month’s wiki article, and I’ve finally settled on something.
I woke up last Friday at the crevice of dawn, and put my suit on and went to the Chester Races. I’m not a gambling man, but I did decide to pop a bet on one horse. ‘When in Rome’ and all that crap. The horse was called Green beret and it came 2nd. It didn’t win, but it did give me my Article of the Month.
This month’s article is the colour Green. <---Click!

THE WORD HAS TO BE SPELT CORRECTLY, AND SAID DIRECTLY TO ME ON ITS OWN WITH NO OTHER WORDS IN THE SENTENCE. (Case is unimportant and I do allow exclamation/question marks)

So go to the page, and get guessing! I’ve already chosen the word which is written on a bit of paper and blu-tacked above my monitor!

As for me, you’ll see me in this space next month with the results, and with a brand new Wikiword contest. But until then, you’ll have to catch me in the Complaint Tavern!

Memorable Quotes

<Mattyohh>i sat in a chair
<Mattyohh>and it felt like i melted into the chair
<The-Stage-Name>haha
<Mattyohh>and i turned to my friend and slurred out, Holy shit! i think i'm a chair
<Mattyohh>then i apparantly started hitting my legs going, i need to fluff my cushions!

--

<TimeToComeClean>Which ones are the amazing bouncing ones/
<The-Stage-Name>
<Mattyohh>
<The-Stage-Name>
<Sheepy-Pie>
<Mattyohh>
<The-Stage-Name>that was unintentional, yet aweomse

--

<Makayo>I'm almost at the point of playing porn and looking at video games simultaneously.
<Makayo>Shit, switch around the porn and video games in that last sentence

--

<Makayo>I've always wondered... Can you pay hookers and nipples and dimes?
<Makayo>*nickels.
<steph1254>I would if I had a paypal account
<steph1254>Oh god bad timing

--

<NoChorus> KcajeldnaC see? He doesn't know the dif
** NoChorus has left [connection closed]

--

<sbkMulletMan> And then you can tap dance on a chicken coop while kicking pikachus into a mine field!

--

<AceOfHearts848>Whats everyone up to today?
<thrax094>laying GTA4.
<thrax094>You?
<AceOfHearts848>Editing my dreamwidth profile
<andoraofBrushia>AceOfHearts848: Just got back from getting groceries.
<Makayo>laying Saints Row 2
<Andaltno>Reading a book called "The Big Book of Weirdos"
<Makayo>Andaltno: Theres a book about complaints!?!?!?

--

<Makayo>SylverKitsune: I am so fucking bored that my mind is going boingo boingo whoopsie knickers and my sanity is going tits-up.

--

<OriginalMovement>omg do you relaly have swine flu
<FangBanger02>Yes
<OriginalMovement>
<OriginalMovement>im sorry
<OriginalMovement>shouldnt you be in a hospital or quarantined or like in a operation or something??
<FangBanger02>No
<FangBanger02>Because i don't gave it
<FangBanger02>*have:
<OriginalMovement>you dont give it to people?
<FangBanger02>
<OriginalMovement>but howo?
<FangBanger02>I don't really have swine flu
<FangBanger02>I was kidding
<OriginalMovement>you gave it away/
<FangBanger02>

--

<JosephBenton>
<OriginalMovement>
<k-herr>:stripper:
<GoThIc-PyRo>
<k-herr>:stirp:
<k-herr>strip
<k-herr>;strip;
<rubyshootingstar>There are other ways to get water out of your ear
<k-herr>:strip;
<wordlesswhisper>MegMcMuffin: Yeah, that sounds like an ear infection, to be honest.
<k-herr>:strip
<k-herr>strip:
<GoThIc-PyRo>OriginalMovement: wth?
<MegMcMuffin>wordlesswhisper: I don't think I've ever had one that wasn't accompanied by a sinus infection
<k-herr>
<rubyshootingstar>The way I learned is tilting your head to the ear's side, and pulling down on the ear's earlobe
<k-herr>:matrix:

Memorable Videos

[link] - Garbage Day

[link] - "Because there is NOTHING better than parakeets dancing to 'Another One Bites the Dust.'"

[link] - "Where’s the pickle? THAT’S THE SURPRISE!"

[link] = "TOTAL AND COMPLETE EGGGSTACY."

[link] - "And finally… it’s obligatory. It's required viewing for the Tavern. It's... PARTY TIEM."

[link] - Oozinator: Questionable Super Soaker

[link] - Cyanide & Happiness #18 - Sad Larry

Foruscope

Gemini: This month will be a good time for you to consider an internet romance. Maybe the next call of "tits or gtfo" could be your ticket to everlasting love. The intersection of Mercury and Venus, along with improving your love life, also indicates a steady increase in your BAWWWWW levels. Perhaps staying out of HWL is on the cards in these next few weeks. When times of trouble are upon you, remember the immortal words of one who was once lost to us, but returned through hardship and pain. Those words (coming from a fellow Gemini, incidentally) are: Get Life Gay!

Lucky plz:

Odds and Ends

If you have any quotes and/or videos to submit for the next issue of the newsletter, please note =cassiedj with the title :Tavern Newsletter: Quote" or "Tavern Newsletter: Video".

If you want to write a blurb about a recent event involving the Tavern (similar to that of the =ScorpionOuSauterelle article near the beginning of this issue), please do, and please submit it to =cassiedj.

If you have any ideas about how to improve this newsletter, propose them to me in the chat or in a note! I'll definitely listen to any ideas that come my way.

A huge thank you to our contributors this month!
=TimeToComeClean for the interview,
`timmy64 for the advice column,
~TheDiseasedOne for the forscupe,
*Mattyohh, ~PaxtonMan, and our anonymous writer for their columns,
=AceOfHearts848 for the beautiful features,
=CapnGarrett for his Wiki-word password segment,
And everybody else for the funny quotes and videos!