What do the next several weeks have in store for you? Read these horoscopes to find out dammit! I worked my ass off for almost 20 minutes to consult the stars and whatnot to bring you this powerful info.


ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

A new opportunity awaits you this week. You know how you’ve always wanted to start your own business? Well that is exactly what you will do. Unfortunately, your idea to open up a combination deli/foot massage parlor probably wasn’t the best. Sure, feta cheese my smell like feet, but that’s no excuse.



TAURUS (April 20 - May20):

This month sees you making major changes in your life. You may or may not like these changes but the people around you will be grateful. Come on, how long can someone wear the same socks and underpants without changing them? Good god man your Fruits of the Loom are rotting away right off your body.



GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):

Let’s be brutally honest here: you’ve done some pretty stupid things in the past. The next couple of weeks are going to be no different. Way to go, fuck-up.



CANCER (June 21 - July 22):

You need to quit your job and head west. If you live in the west already, then you need to head east. If you live somewhere in the middle, then just sit your ass down and have a beer.



LEO (July 23 - August 22):

Someone you love very much will betray you. They will cause you much emotional as well as financial hardship. You will be very tempted to seek revenge on this person by taking matters into your own hands, however you must resist doing so. Instead, hire a professional who knows what they are doing and will not get caught. Capiche?



VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

You will continue to disappoint those around you.



LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

The stars indicate that you will go on a long trip later this month. The fact that you exactly like a notorious raper indicates that it will probably be a trip to prison. Don’t drop the soap!



SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

Your love life has been rather dry lately. This will change within the next couple of weeks. You will meet the partner of your dreams. You two will share your hopes and dreams. You will share an evening of fantastic love-making. Later, you will find out that you two shared various STDs. Way to go, lover.



SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21):

Congratulations are in order for you as you finally manage to achieve 100% on GTA IV. Of course, this doesn’t change the fact that you’re pretty much a pathetic loser in just about every aspect of life that actually matters.



CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

Penguins. I see penguins in your future. BIG penguins. That’s all the stars will reveal at this time.



AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

A secret you have kept buried deep within you will be revealed in the next few days. Additionally it will make its way to the internet, where millions will potentially see it. Potentially that is because the secret is in fact your recipe for meatloaf, which nobody will give a shit about. Damn, even your secrets suck.



PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

It’s late. I’m tired, hungry, and I could use a beer. I recommend you get one for yourself. I’ve seen your future. Trust me, you do not want to know what’s in store for you. May heaven help you.