Introduction

Writing fiction is not as easy as some may think. It really isn't. But while there are plenty of guides on how to write well, there are not that many around that show us how to not write that also provide examples of absolute terrible and horrific writing that should not go beyond the notebook (or personal computer) of the author.

So I took the liberty of digging up my own story I wrote at 13 years old. If you frequently read the fiction of 13-year-olds, you will find that most (not all of course, but most) are still learning how to write, and don't do it all that well. To my disbelief (and admittedly slight horror) I find some individuals in university (and beyond) that still write fiction like this. I am far from a great writer- and in some cases I'm rather horrid- but I have improved. I hope that in showing excerpts from my 30,000 word story examined, torn, bashed, washed in dirty soap water, and all-around picked apart will help others avoid all the terrible sins that I committed towards the fiction deity.

And, just to get it out of the way, I didn't publish this online, but handed it in to my 7th grade English teacher for extra credit. He said it was "very good". I doubt he read it. It's not very good.

Disclaimer: In case the intro didn't alert you, this will be a mix of snark, opinion, and writing tips. Tread carefully, there be the dangers of terrible fictional prose ahead. And you will quickly discover who my favorite author is; apologies for the numerous mentions. It's like a bad habit, or addictive drug.


The Very Beginning Of The Story

The wind sweeps through fields of grain. Peasants are working at pastures of corn, broccoli, carrots, peas, and other vegetables. Apple and orange trees are growing, with small children trying to reach those delicious fruits. The mountains in the background of this scenery are a faint purple, with little storm clouds above their peaks.

Were you yawning? I know I was. Along with committing the rather grave error of writing in present tense, I start off with possibly the most boring introduction possible. While there are some books that can get away with a flowery description at the beginning, you will find in many fiction books that the author tries to capture your attention with an interesting introduction of the characters or an intense scene to get your attention right away.

One of the best introductions I have ever read would be the intro of Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones" which starts off with these simple sentences: My name was Salmon, like the fish. First name, Susie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973. There is no way that that line cannot keep you captivated at least for a few more pages.

If you do decide to start off with a description, however, try and add something interesting with it, something original. You know, like how "in a hole in the ground lived a hobbit" was original in 1937.


You! Yes, YOU!

The story continues from that point...

As you walk through this lovely scene, you can see in the far distance a little village with a huge castle hovering over it.

Congratulations! You have unknowingly stumbled upon a Choose Your Own Adventure book! Well, in all seriousness, avoid second person like the plague. Very few fiction writers get away with it, and it usually only works in books such as the series mentioned above or in parodies and humor. Unfortunately I do not currently own Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (which will be remedied as soon as my currently-unknown rich distant relative kicks the bucket and gives me everything), but he may use it. Even then, I believe it's best used only sparingly, and certainly for not walking down some quaint Disney-esque path.


The Introduction of Characters, or Everything Is Better With Princesses

Brownie points to whoever gets that reference.

I'll skip a couple hundred words of absolutely useless, boring description about the town and the huge castle's structure of individual's rankings and get to the actual introduction of the two main characters. Above this excerpt I explain that the Queen likes dresses and acting like a proper lady.

The eldest daughter, Oriana, is 16 years old. She is known as the most beautiful women throughout all the land.

While I scrub my poor brain and try to forget that I wrote that (and all other 30,000 something words of this), I'll introduce the concept of the Mary Sue. I think TVTropes [link] summarizes it best: The prototypical Mary Sue is an original female character in a fanfic who obviously serves as an idealized version of the author mainly for the purpose of Wish Fulfillment. [...] In other words, the term "Mary Sue" is generally slapped on a character who is important in the story, possesses unusual physical traits, and has an irrelevantly over-skilled or over-idealized nature. Beauty is one of the most common Sue traits. For more on Sues, Google can help you find more places to do research on them.

While I'm on this sentence, another good tip is to always reread and use a spell-check before even handing your work to a beta reader (or editor; beta reader is the common term for an editor-type in the fan fiction world). Using 'women' instead of 'woman' is a silly mistake, but easy to see and it simply should not have happened. Of course every now and then a typo will go through, but if you are constantly having typos, you need to use a spell checker (many are available online for free) and you need to reread your stories again and again to catch them.

Let's continue...

Even though she knows how to sew and cook and do everything that is supposed to be "proper", she hates it. Oriana would rather ride her horse along grassy plains, and explore the world. But she is stuck at her home, with her soon-to-be husband, William. He is a snob, and she thinks that he just wants to be king, and doesn’t love her. But her parents think he is perfect.

Along with the nasty present tense, what do we have here, precious? Ah, yes. Telling, not showing. Why do you want to show, not tell anyways? Simple: when it comes to things like personality and the characteristics of others, it simply makes the story more interesting and more interactive for the reader. The reader needs to discover that this Oriana enjoys activity or does not like her fiancé; to be told such important things is all-around boring.

Showing, not telling also comes with descriptions of emotions and places, and Google does cover that extensively when you look up "show not tell", if you are interested. I often commit the "tell not show" crime with emotions, myself. Of course, showing, not telling every single emotion can become rather cumbersome, so use either simple words or pronounced actions with emotions, actions, and description, wherever you think they fit best in your tale- variation is always good.


The Nauseating Character Description

I continued the story with telling, not showing Oriana's little sister Rose. They don't like one another, and Rose is all proper. It cuts off to... this. Uncut for full effect.

It is a warm spring day and Oriana is strolling through her rose garden. Oriana has beautiful black hair, and when the sun shines down upon it, it glistens, which makes her look like some elf from legend. She has a pale color skin, and even though it is a bit pale, Rose’s skin is even paler, for she never goes outside unless if it is necessary. Her eyes are like emeralds, and when in light she looks like an angel. Oriana’s dress is a beautiful pearly white, with pearls and diamonds fastened to her sleeves. Oriana steps as lightly as a feather upon the dew covered grass, and she smells the roses blossoming in the morning. Her sister looks down at her from a nearby window, thinking that she seriously needs to get a life.

There are a couple crimes committed here. I'll start with the less obvious. Modern Lingo in Fantasy-Land. "Get a life", while it made me laugh (because I agree with her), is a modern phrase. Granted, not all of us can be linguists and language experts, but if you are writing a tale set in Generic Ye Olde Middle Ages Land, they likely do not use modern slang. Learn that "OK" was termed in the 1800s in the American northeast, that "idiot" is a few centuries older than "moron", and learn which phrases sound old enough to use anyways (from what I've seen, you can get away with using "what is the catch" despite it being rather recent lingo). How do you do this? One website: The Online Etymology Dictionary ([link]). Lots of fun to waste time with, too. It's amazing how far back some slang and curse words go.

Now for the more obvious: the nauseating description. Dear [insert deity here], how awful! This is a classic sign of a Mary Sue, too- over-lengthy description of your main character(s), especially if it goes into eye/hair color and clothing, and double if it praises his or her beauty. A rule of thumb that is good to follow is to spend about the same amount of words in all of your main character descriptions (not just your favorite) and to keep it interesting. If you write longer on your character description than anything else in the story for no logical reason (i.e. for plot-related reasons), there may be something wrong with your story. I believe that JK Rowling has very interesting character descriptions that aren't too long, yet long enough to paint clear pictures of her characters in my mind.

You can, however, get away with ridiculous, even Sue-esque, descriptions sometimes. Case in point: Lúthien from Tolkien's "Silmarillion". In my copy of the book her description is about 6 lines long and it's filled with how pretty she is, but the author gets away with it for two reasons: one, his language is interesting and paints a fascinating picture and two, pretty much every description by Tolkien is long. He spends more time on the layout of a hobbit-hole in "The Hobbit" than on her. It works.


That's it for now- and this was only part of Chapter One. Ouch.

If you liked it (and would like to see more tips on writing with this story as the bad example), fave the article and/or leave a comment below. Any suggestions are more than welcome.