Hello everyone, and thank you for joining me for Part Two. If you are unfamiliar with Part One, it can be read here.

In Part One, I received a number of wonderful suggestions on what Part Two should consist of, but there was one thing I was not counting on seeing in the comments – the success of My Immortal. I laughed so hard receiving comments like ‘What the hell did I just read!?’ and ‘I think my heart just stopped’; these comments inspired me to dedicate a portion of the ‘series’ to dissecting the horror that is My Immortal.

Before I start on the intricacies of My Immortal, I would just like to make a few statements which you aren’t going to read.

Thank you all so much for the success of Part One; I was completely dumbfounded when it reached one-thousand favourites. I made some new friends as a result and received comments from some very lovely people. I just…gah, I love this community.
In retrospect of Part One, I was boisterous to the point of rudeness, so I apologise to anyone I may have offended. I am really just a giant pussy cat; I am nowhere near as aggressive as I may have come across in Part One.
I have always reserved the belief that the future of literature is doomed, but I believe I owe said generation an apology. I was asked to critique some wonderful ideas via notes and comments; I wish you all the best in finding a good publisher in the future.
I read all comments, but replying may be another issue. I wish I could use some bizarre excuse to excuse myself (such as my body shutting down after half an hour of reading), but the reality is that I am a person who gets very easily overwhelmed. I am determined to reply to every comment, but I am unsure of the time frame.
I would like to thank =House-of-Kadamon for reviewing this article before uploading it. Don’t be afraid to go and send her your love – she’s a fantastic artist.

Before I continue, I would just like to say one thing (dear God, make her stop): there is nothing wrong with writing fanfiction. I know some people who behave as if fanfiction is the worst thing ever invented, but it truly isn’t. If someone believes a writer shouldn’t write fanfiction, then artists shouldn’t be allowed to:

Draw fanart/make fanfic doujinshis (for obvious reasons).
Use references (a vast majority of artists gain skills using referencing; the same can be said about writers and fanfiction). _{I am also aware that even the best artists use references, which could also be used as a point.}
Draw chibis (some artists draw chibis for fun; the same can be said about writers and fanfiction).

I could go on for a while, but you get the gist (be it a little extreme). I am fully aware of the reputation fanfiction has (especially within some fandoms), but the basic principle shouldn’t be judged because of this.

Now, on with the show!

The Beginning

My Immortal is a Harry Potter fanfiction written by author Tara Gilesbie sometime in 2006, following the adventures of Original Character Ebony (often misspelled ‘Enoby’ and ‘Eboby’ ) Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. It was uploaded to FanFiction.Net, which proceeded to get over ten thousand reviews, mostly consisting of flames. So many people flamed the story that it quickly became one of the most reviewed fanfictions on the site. Late in 2008, the fanfic was deleted from the site for ‘Disregard for proper language: grammar, spelling, punctuation, and etc.’ (Yes, it was literally too bad to be on the site). Despite being deleted from the site, Tara Gilesbie (speculated to be a troll) has left her own legacy: many people have written various fanfictions in her ‘unique style’ of writing and various Dramatic Readings can be found of the fanfiction on YouTube. Not only this, but fellow deviant ~DoubleLeggy is attempting to animate said fanfiction.

The fanfic can now be found here, so don’t be afraid to read along.

Unlike Part One, Part Two will concentrate on character building and general writing tips also. I will be organising the points made about certain lines using this system:

= Applies to writing fanfiction only.
= Applies to both fanfiction and original works.

Now, on with the show!

Dissecting/Annotating

Please note that the quotes I am extracting from the fanfic are only superficial problems that can used to educate others. To appreciate repetitive mistakes and other problems in the fanfic, you will need to read it all yourself. You will be in my prayers, soldier.

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way…

Names have already been touched on in Part One. Feel free to make your way over there if you are unfamiliar with it.

(AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!)

A very good writer once told me to state all Author’s Notes before the chapter actually begins; by doing this, the reader keeps what is said in mind without being distracted. Example:

Mary looked at Arthur in disgust. “Arthur…how could you say such a thing? My father (P.S. Mary’s father was killed in the army when she was young) advised me against such a thing.”

Can you honestly tell me that that is not distracting?

I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England…I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

There is no Hot Topic in England. Even if you’re writing fanfiction, a small amount of research can make a big difference; some people may review just to catch you out, which may be embarrassing. If you are writing an original universe and wish to get it published one day, I cannot emphasise enough how important research is.

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Is anyone else bored out of their mind? I know I am. If you eat birthday cake every day of your life, it won’t have the same effect as if you only have it on your birthday. The same can be said about descriptions; if you describe something truly spell-bounding in a beautiful manner, it will stick in the reader’s mind. If you describe a leaf that’s just fallen in front of your face in ten lines, your audience will become bored. When describing human beings, Cedric Diggory from the H.P series is a great example: we are aware that he is handsome, but J.K. Rowling only describes him initially in two lines. Compare this to Robert Pattinson’s other persona, Edward Cullen in Twilight: Stephenie Meyer compliments and pinpoints everything wonderful that he does, even going as far as to emphasise his wonderful driving skills. For those who have not been absorbed by the fantasy, it is simply boring to read.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I left the house. I saw a tree. I said hi to it. It smiled at me. I proceeded to go to school. I had a good day.
Do you know one of the reasons why that collection of sentences is so boring? There are only full stops/periods punctuation-wise, making it stiff and un-story like. The last two sentences could easily be brought together using a semi-colon, which would more than likely impress your reader. For more information on using semi-colons, please go here. I will touch on the offensive side of this quote in another quote.

It was…. Draco Malfoy!

When I read that line, all I can imagine is a ‘Guys and Dolls’-esque scenario with characters jumping out and gasping dramatically. Unless you’re deliberately trying to be cheesy, there are far better (albeit, less camp) ways of introducing characters. Example:

‘It was a voice that was familiar to me – it was Draco Malfoy.’

Again, I will touch on the misuse of ellipses in this quote later on as it is something the author frequents in.

…“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

While there is nothing wrong with first person narration per se, it can sometimes be tricky to develop other characters while overcoming things such as bias. However, I don’t even see the narrator being developed in this fanfic: speech between two characters could easily be divided by the narrator’s thoughts and feelings towards the other person for the sake of character development, but I see none of this. If only Gilesbie put as much effort into character relationships as she does describing ‘ttly goffik’ outfits…

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Although dedicating characters in fiction to real-life family members/friends isn’t earth-shattering, a problem not many are aware of can arise from it. If you add a friend to a story/fic very rarely, they may become the subject of Author’s Darling. If you are unaware of what Author’s Darling is, please read this.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

Always be aware of your audience when writing; this quote could serve as a virtual slap in the face to a cutter/recovering cutter. Not only could this be offensive to cutters/recovering cutters, but it could also be offensive to Goths: as Ebony is described as ‘ttly goffik’, it is quite clear that Gilesbie associates the cutting stereotype with Goths, which may not be the case.

To be honest, I’m going to bank what I said and simply state that it’s offensive to pretty much everyone.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner

The ‘baggy black skater pants’ is what bothers me the most about this quote. For anyone who has read Harry Potter, they will know that Draco is quite high-class; Rowling often describes Draco as ‘sleek’ and quite eloquent. It is my personal belief that Draco would ridicule someone who dressed in ‘baggy skater pants’, meaning that the author has edited his character to suit her universe, making him Out of Character (OOC). Similar to the research bullet point, people may just review your fanfiction to point out that a character is OOC. Unless you’re writing a crack fic and stating so beforehand, try to keep canon characters as in-character as possible.

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs…

If you cram your perceptions of what is ‘cool’ into a story, you’re more likely to create a badly-written self-insert Sue. It’s pretty clear that Gilesbie sees cigarettes and drugs as a sign of coolness, otherwise her precious characters would not be taking them.

P.S. Auntie Natalie says cigarettes and drugs are baaaad, mkay?

You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel.

This is only important if you submit your stories/fanfiction to deviantART. If you keep your dA for art only, ignore this next part. If you include lyrics of a song in a chapter you have uploaded to deviantART, said chapter will be removed for Copyright Violation as you do not own the lyrics. It’s not fair for readers to miss out on a chapter for a simple blunder, so always be wary of this rule.

“Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

It’s not fair to thrust your own personal feelings on your reader; for all you know, some readers may like Hilary Duff and be offended by your statement. Not only this, but I am convinced that the opinion voiced in the above quote is the opinion of Gilesbie; if she is using her OCs as vessels to voice her own opinion, the OC in question will more likely be a self-insert Sue.

instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Ellipses are used in sentences for dramatic effect, pauses etc and are composed of three full stops/periods only. A pet peeve of mine is when a person uses more than three full stops/periods for an ellipse; this often shows that they are not aware of the basics of an ellipse, making it appear unprofessional. If you want to drag something out for dramatic effect, make the character stutter. Example: “I…you…we...we did…”

Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok

If you are Tara Gilesbie at this point, many people will have bombarded you with reviews happily pointing out previous mistakes (such as the Hot Topic ordeal). If you are Tara Gilesbie, you will trip over yourself in an attempt to make up a ludicrous excuse for your mistakes while attempting to maintain your superiority over your fans.
If you are a mature, humble person, you will admit to any mistakes made in the next chapter, or simply edit out said mistakes. People like a humble person, enough said.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

I very much doubt that the Draco Malfoy designed by Rowling would publically announce his feelings for a girl as he frequently does with Ebony. In the world of My Immortal, not only are canon characters re-written to suit a universe where Goths rule with an iron fist, but canon characters are also re-written to suit the OC – a giant no-no.

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

Likening characters to celebrities is a big no-no; it makes them appear unoriginal and makes the reader believe that the writer has skimped on developing the character’s appearance in order for them to indulge in their fantasies.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

Apart from the superficial problem that it is creepy, this quote shows the lack of understanding the author has of first person narration. First person narration fails to acknowledge the audience as we are being treated to a character’s mindset, but the quote acknowledges the reader with the inclusion of ‘you sicko’.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

‘Vampire’ Potter has just admitted to being a blood-sucking monster, followed by the annotation ‘he giggled’. Not what you’d expect from a monster, is it? Try not to make the speech itself and the annotation clash; it could very easily ruin the mood.

(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)

If someone accuses one of your characters of being a Mary Sue, ask them to elaborate.
If they have already elaborated, pay attention to what they are saying; people don’t give critiques because they’re trolling you (which I am so bloody sick of hearing), they’re trying to help you.
If you’re finding the experience difficult, step away from the computer and relax for a moment. What you don’t do, however, is act like nothing’s happened and pinpoint every good deed you think you have done in terms of character development. Not only is this uncomfortable to read, but it makes the author look like a child who cannot accept criticism.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I’ll just put this here…offensive beyond all reason, anyone?

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.

Although I am writing to criticise, this appears to be a positive. If your character is in a foul mood, show it. One type of Sue I’ve come across is one that is always happy and cheers everyone up with her perfect radiance – do you think there’s a human alive who is happy 24/7? If your character is peeved/vulnerable, don’t be afraid to elaborate on it.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. …Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.

Again, a canon character is completely re-written to suit Ebony’s taste in a best friend.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

In this quote, Gilesbie treats ‘Crookshanks’ as a spell; in reality, it is the name of Hermione’s cat. It is important to get all of the facts straight when writing fanfiction, otherwise readers will comment/review simply to prove you wrong.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes…

When writing, one of the author’s aims should be to try and impress the reader with their expanded vocabulary (preferably without the aid of a thesaurus) and developed punctuation. With the deliberate misspelling of otherwise easy words, the writing feels uneducated and all previous attempts to appear professional are forgotten in an instant. Not only this, but mainstream misspellings and abbreviations such as ‘smexy’ and ‘OMG, TMI’ may irk a reader. The only time misspellings of words are acceptable is when the person is speaking with an accent. Example: With my accent, I pronounce ‘you’re’ as ‘yer’. Therefore, if I were to be quoted in a book for saying ‘You’re pulling my leg!’, it may be spelled, ‘Yer pullin’ me leg!’.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Why Voldemort gave Ebony a gun in a universe where magic is superior is something I will never know – changing universe, perhaps? All I know is that I need to lie down.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Even if I change the wording of the sentence to ‘Voldemort had a you’re-an-idiot look on his face’, it is still too colloquial to use. Instead, try searching for a word that has the same meaning of what emotion you’re attempting to portray in the character’s face; in the process, you may even improve your vocabulary. Example: Instead of saying, ‘Harry had an I-don’t-think-this-is-a-good-idea expression on his face’, you could say, ‘Harry had an apprehensive expression on his face’ or ‘A look of foreboding was spread across Harry’s face’.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods

Between the events of the two sentences would have been perfect for developing Ebony’s feelings towards being approached by Voldemort, but Gilesbie decides to throw away said opportunity in the name of convenience.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s –

…Since when was Draco a vampire? Why are you telling us this piece of information now as if we’re stupid for not knowing? Again, Gilesbie could’ve introduced drama into the fic by Draco confiding in Ebony that he is, in fact, a vampire. Instead, Gilesbie chooses to reveal it to the reader with a badly-placed Author’s Note and with a dude-ur-so-retarded (geddit cuz im goffik?) tone.
Vampires like ‘Vampire’, Draco, Ebony, B’loody etc seem to be typical vampires, which Gilesbie has not researched very well. In traditional vampire lore, vampires suck the blood of humans as they are dead and do not possess any blood of their own. If blood is so precious to them, why is Draco cutting himself and wasting precious blood? The mind boggles…

You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

Again, I can’t help but feel that Ebony is serving as a vessel for Gilesbie’s opinion: perhaps she was called a ‘slut’ relatively close to when the chapter was written and felt upset as a result? My badly-written self-insert Sue senses are tingling. (‘Self-insert Sue senses’ – I can alliterate! )

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

Again, Gilesbie is attempting to shrug off accusations that Draco is Out of Character by flaunting how ‘in-character’ he is to others – not very mature, is it?
In terms of Draco’s character, there is only one word that is in-character – muggle. I doubt Draco would call someone a ‘ poser’ or a ‘bitch’; he would possibly opt for a condescending insult, such as ‘ Pathetic Mudblood’.
Not only this, but I have made a very interesting discovery. In the first paragraph of the first chapter, Ebony states that she is both a vampire and a witch. Therefore, if she is a muggle also, that means she is 1/3 muggle, 1/3 vampire and 1/3 witch. Oh Mrs Raven Way, what exactly did you get up to in college?

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Seeing as Draco is a vampire now, I have found quite a big loophole. Compare this to he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s - did he slit his wrists with a crucifix? I doubt he did. If you make statements such as these, make sure to stick to them.

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Be sure to watch our for Part Three, where ‘Vampire’ Potter removes Snape’s and Lupin’s…er, wombs, death and necrophilia are ‘kawaii’ and all the major villains fall madly in love with Ebony.

Seriously, I wish I was making that up.

F.A.Qs

Where did you come across My Immortal?
To be honest, I really can’t remember. I remember coming to it at one point, laughing my head off, then coming back to it a while later. I still remember those late nights on MSN laughing my head off with =TomboyDudet103 reading through it. Not only that, but my best friend and I did a Dramatic Reading of the first ten chapters, but I can’t find a converter for the file format I recorded it in. It was quite funny; I called ‘Hilary Duff’ ‘Hilary Duck’ by accident.

In the ‘Beginning’ section, you mentioned that some authors adapted Tara Gilesbie’s writing style for comical effect. I have a death wish, therefore I would like to see these adaptations.
Salutations, you brave soul! Here is a list of Tara-inspired fanfics:
Vampires Will Never Hurt You (Twilight fanfic)
T3H DRAMA ZOMG
Call Me Wen UR sober
bring me back 2 life
luv me (A Bleach fanfic)

There are many, many more spoofs, but I’ll save them for other occasions.

Will you critique me?
Of course! However, it might be best to note me about it rather than leaving a comment on the article; my idiotic eyes might miss your comment. I prefer critiquing beginners because I like seeing them flourish, but I critique people of all literary levels (even if a vast majority of the critique is positive). I am very, very picky, but that’s only because I want to bring out the best of people’s abilities.
In conjunction with a simple critique, I would also love to be a beginner’s mentor. I am a self-taught writer who would have killed for a mentor growing up, so use me as you will – I am at your service!
Also, I would like to point out that the Literature Workshop is always available if you wish to receive critique from a variety of people.

I think my friend’s/someone I know on dA’s character is a Mary Sue, but I don’t want to tell them. What should I do?
If you don’t want to tell them, feel free to note me about the matter. I usually ask the person beforehand if they want a critique (unless they come to me personally), so I won’t drop the Mary Sue bomb immediately. One time I spent an hour critiquing a random person’s fanfic, only for them to hide the comment and block me. This, good people, is why critiquing =/= trolling.

I need YOUR help.

Yes, you, the one in the funny hat. While scouting for ideas for Part Two, many deviants suggested critiquing their old writing to benefit others. I was shocked by the number of lovely, humble (albeit, brave) people who volunteered for the process and will be taking them up on their offer. When I am finished critiquing My Immortal, I will be moving on to other people’s works. I have complete faith that the community will help me out on this front, but I will be introducing guidelines for submitting to me:

The piece of writing does not necessarily have to be old, but the piece of writing should be subpar to your current literary skills. I will refuse point blank to use fairly recent works in my guide.
The piece of writing should be something you are able to laugh at; I refuse to publically critique something you are proud of.
If the piece of writing contains an original character which still exists today, I would love to hear how they have developed since then for public praise.
If you provide me with a piece of writing, the critique will be noted to you before publishing to seek your approval.
If you are interested, please note me.

Not only this, but I will be digging up my own old work to share with you all. I hope it'll make you chuckle; I will most likely break down in a corner after reading the tripe I used to churn out.

Thank you all so much for your support so far and thank you for reading.