Welcome to the 2nd issue of the Complaints Tavern newsletter! Following the trend of the last newsletter, it is submitted a day earlier than intended! Hopefully, this issue will be full of exciting news and more organization than the last one!

With =cassiedj gone for two weeks, newsletter submissions had declined... until she returned one night in the middle of camp (for reasons unimportant) and raged at people. Then all was well in the land, and things have since been done. Which makes for a happy editor, and a good newsletter. So thank you to all who have submitted quotes, videos, and segments on time!

Letters to the Editor

Jizz
The 1st newsletter made me jizz so much, I had to be cut out of my rock-hard underwear.
-Anonymous

Antonio Banderas
...I think Antonio Banderas is okay.
~ExtraEspresso

Offensive?
Dear Editor;

I thought that the Lucky Plz of Issue no.1 was very offensive! Think of the poor Twilight fans who are trying to gaze upon Edward's sparkly features! How dare you even imply Edward rapes people as he would never do such a thing!! I can't believe you'd even dare to deface such a marble faced beauty.*
*Sheepy-Pie

_{*Note sarcasm}

Dear *Sheepy-Pie,
The lucky please was in no way meant to offend Twilight fans, but the newsletter does not recognize a wrongdoing.

BREAKING NEWS!

Michael Jackson Dead at Age 50

Sweeping the Complaints forums (the homeland of our Tavern dwellers) are complaints about legendary pop icon Michael Jackson's death on Thursday, June 25th. While many lament his loss, many just want people to shut the fuck up about it. It's gotten to the point where people are making complaints to get MJ complaints off of the page. Despite this, many of us will miss him.

Another notable death this week is the death of Oxiclean spokesman Billy Mayes. A fantastic staple of the Complaints community, Billy Mayes will certaintly be missed. In honor of his passing, the Tavern is poSTING IN CAPS. SO DO THAT, MMKAY?

Other celebrity deaths this past week:

Ed McMahon
Farrah Fawcett

`MegMcMuffin Getting Married!

In case you missed it, or had just managed to avoid it so far, `MegMcMuffin is getting married. *wazzdakka proposed via Scrabble tiles on June 14th and the wedding will happen August 13th. Shotgun wedding, you ask? Hell no! These two hate kids!

Kick wars, A dramatic rendition.

*Warlock258 reports



It was a dark and stormy night... Well, maybe dark, when a disturbance was brewing in a small tavern in the middle of a dark forest of fetish chats and RP rooms . It was a quiet night, and a slow one in the tavern. The supply of lolcats and YouTube videos was short, and the people were starving for entertainment. To keep themselves entertained, two mischievous Bartenders (Who will remain anonymous _{=GoThIc-PyRo and =TimeToComeClean} ) hatched up an idea. Under the influence of absolute boredom and no doubt illegal substances, they decided to pray upon a poor bartender who was reassigned as Bouncer (_{~TheDiseasedOne})...

AND SO THE NOT SO EXCITING KICK WAR THAT WAS MAJORLY OVER DRAMATIZED OF JUNE 2009 BEGAN!

People rejoiced, laughed, and cheered as the two bored bartenders overthrew the poor bouncer and pushed him out the door. He continued to push his way back in as they continued their onslaught. In a futile attempt to end the extremely entertaining brutality, the kind, just, and gracious Manager, who is believed to be Jesus Christ himself ( No ego trip there at all) pushed all three of them out of the door, needless to say they came back and attempted to push him out. Unfortunately the might manager fought back all three of them like only Chuck Norris could.

The violence continued and in a last attempt to save themselves, the Bartenders called upon their greatest weapon... God (=SylverKitsune) herself. Needless to say the manager was slain with only slight hesitation, at which point the manager was banished. But he returned anyway, 'cuz he's a dick like that, and boosted the bouncer's power level to over 9000 so he may proceed in kicking their asses all over the place. He did. Then god came back and told everyone to stop, and they did, 'cuz, well, God wills it?

Anyway, for the next 10 minutes laughter ensued. Even though this happens every other day, they decided (not really, the manager said so and no one objected with fear of banning ) that they'll record it. As the night went on it was said to resume to a dull roar in the small tavern. But brewing underneath the facade of hallucinagins and tit requests brewed a menacing evil. Warlock258's desire to exact his revenge on the two mischievious bartenders. And then he kicked them right when they realized what was at the end of this paragraph.

They were kicked and everyone watching laughed.

Columns

Anger and Rage and Fury, Oh My!

Every month, *Mattyohh will be doing a column full of ANGER and RAGE, presented in a (hopefully) civilized manner.

Fuck Transformers

I hate transformers, the whole premise of a race of super robots coming to our world and turning into cars, planes, and what not, is stupid. I’ve never seen the movies, nor will I bother to see them. Shia Lafag gives me the shits, and Megan Fox is a silly bint who probably thinks she pisses out her ass. But this is not where my angry column will stop, focus, and rage on. What really, really, really, really, makes me angry is when people have shitty cars with transformers stickers on them

NEWSFLASH MOTHERFUCKER. Your 15 year old piece of shit with the rusted roof, and the different coloured panels isn’t in fact an autobot, or deceptacon, it is in fact shit on wheels. I’m almost certain that you would have followed your dog, or other pet around for the day, waited for it to do a shit, then collect it, and mould it into a car shaped pile of feces. Good for you though, save the environment, hug a tree, fuck a polar bear and what not, but I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that your $92 car is actually a super intelligent shape shifting piece of technology. Fuck off.

I saw a 40 year old guy in one of those buggies the other day. He was one of those people who decide now that they’re morbidly obese they may as well sit, and be as comfortable as possible for the on coming heart attack, but wait! Guess what he had on the back of his buggy. AN AUTOBOT STICKER, Holy Jesus on a blasphemous pogo stick. Now, if your buggy is in fact a transformer, it’s probably the shittiest, most antiquated piece of tit in their whooollleeeeeeee civilization, and anyway if it was really a transformer, it probably would make you loose some weight, so then it didn’t have to carry your rhino ass to and fro from McDonalds to Wendy’s.

So in closing, I would like to say that my thesis on the parliamentary organization of frogs is a rather broad and interesting topic, that covers many different plateaus, plates, and toes, as such I recommend that anyone interested in adopting an African child should just do what Madonna and Angelina do; steal them. Kill the parents and steal the children, because deep down, everyone one’s a little bit Hollywood.

Until next week
*Mattyohh out.

Dear Timmy

That's right, because we managed to settle out of court for the last edition, Ask Timmy is back with a new problem!

This month's is from ~leugi101 and is located :

"so i have to choose my classes but i really don't know what to take and now that i read the classes manual i don't know what to pick because i want to do so many things, every which ways has to end up with some type of difficulty, it's so hard. and then i don't have enough money to get a lot of classes so i can only get 4 or 3 this sucks. it's also really hard because i want to get high level classes but if i get too many of them then it might be too difficult but then again i don't want to waste my money in something easy, and lastly how the hell am i suppose to know what college professors are the good ones, i have to pick from so many of them but i don't want to pick someone that sucks, ok i think i'm done"

Dear ~leugi101,

That was painful to read. I'm not sure how you got into college with spelling and grammar like that. I'd suggest English 101 on first glance based on this.

If you're worried about picking a professor who sucks, and not wanting to have one, I'd say the specialised course titled Hookers 101 is not for you. You can guess what I mean.

Sometimes, you've gotta just hope you get a good professor. Pick what looks good to you, and check out your options. If all else fails, you might still be able to flip burgers for the rest of your life.

Unless the jobs go to illegal migrants. Then, you can live happily as a bag lady/man.

Either way, enjoy your insanity.
Timmy.

This thread was picked by =torture-device. Think you can do better? SUGGEST ONE! NOTE ME!

Timmy out.

Interview!

By =TimeToComeClean

The interview this month was supposed to be on our beloved =cassiedj but she went to camp so NO INTERVIEW FOR HER (Seinfeld anyone? Anyone? No? ). So instead I decided to do an interview on our resident Angry Man and all round druggy *Mattyohh. Let’s step through the round window and see what he had to say...

1. Ok so first and foremost, as our resident angry guy, what is making you rage this month (other than what you wrote in your column of course)?

My neighbours, I'm pretty sure they're up to all sorts of shady shit. They've got like all these cars coming and going at all hours. I think it's some sort of Asian gang thing, even though they're like 40 years old. It'd be good if they were pushing drugs, cause then I would have a dealer cross the road. Good times ahead for Matt.

2. An interesting life you lead Matt, speaking of interesting not too recently you came back from a suspension not too long ago. Can you sum up the reasons in 25 words or less?

Probably not that short. I wasn't suspended for the Gothic history parody thing, I was suspended for spamming his shout box, and for harassing commentary. I assume that means he took offense to me saying that Sithall the dark lord of eyeliner fellated donkeys.

3. Failure on your part good sir, I expected better of you. I personally don't understand why anyone would take offence to that but onwards we must go... You're considered a forum regular, I don't think anyone will argue with me on that one, what do you think makes a regular?

Someone who has nothing else to do, other than post on an online forum about their day to day annoyances and grievances. It's probably for the best it's posted here, and not posted at someones head, as a gun

4. Well that plus ludicrous amounts of drugs seems to sum you up. Have you always been this rage-y and drug filled? Was there a time when little Mattyohh dreamed of different things?

When I was five I wanted to be a garbage truck driver, but then puberty took hold during my teenage years, and I decided that it would be more fun, and less effort if I just dreamt the dream of narcotic delights, and drinking. Worked out well though, I have some sweet stories, and a lot of half remembered nights

5. The sweet childhood dream of being a garbo... The last and most important question which everyone interviewed has to answer. Tits Y/Y (Although I can probably guess your answer)?

Tits indeed. Who doesn't like tits?


Thanks for listening, or reading you know whatever, until next time! Don’t forget to strip.

Art Features

Hello everyone, =AceOfHearts848 reporting for duty! Here I'll be featuring great art from all the people who frequent the chatroom the most. Remember guys, they're not just crazy people in a chatroom, they're artists, too! So have a gander.

By @Prince-Charles


By :devsteph1245:


by ~Lady-KL


by=Katria-Kage


by ~ExtraEspresso


by ~PaxtonMan



by *Escherichia-Coli



by =DoctorJenn



by =TimeToComeClean


Weren't featured in this issue? Don't worry! You'll more than likely be featured next month!

Win a Subscription From Garrett!

It’s that time of the month again where you must compete against others in a battle of wits for the chance to win a portion of my income, in the form of a months subscription!

First off, congratulations to *Deathbal101 for winning last month’s game, the answer was Pigment!
As you read this *Deathbal101, I am battling my way through the tundric winter storm to deliver to you your holy subscription.

I’ve decided for a more simpler game this month. I call it 'Answer me, bitch!’

When in the chatroom, I will ask ‘What did one snowman say to the other?’ Your job is to be the first to answer me with the correct answer word for word and you will win this month’s sub from me.

You get ONE clue, which is the actor Henry Ian Cusick.

Use Google, use Alta Vista, ask fucking Jeeves if you have to!

I’ll see you all in the Tavern!

Memorable Quotes

<CittensCollar>ThaddeusQuay: ....You're out of your mind. You want the GOVERNMENT to, essentially, be your moderator? They're not going to do that. They'll just take you down for child porn and put you in jail
<OriginalMovement> okay im done i swear
<OriginalMovement>CittensCollar: exactly
<ThaddeusQuay>CittensCollar: Crazy people pave the way.
<OriginalMovement>ThaddeusQuay:
<SANE-INTOLERANT>ThaddeusQuay: Pave the way straight to prison
__

* NoChorus is still laughing at the fact that there's a sport called Wheelchair Rugby
<kizzit> LOL
<TimeToComeClean>
<kizzit> NoChorus: LOLOLOL
<zie-chan>...the fuck?
<TimeToComeClean>NoChorus: Seriously?
<FangBanger02>NoChorus:
<FangBanger02>NoChorus: Like, disabled people?
<NoChorus>lol yes
<NoChorus>it's real
<NoChorus>makes me wonder
<NoChorus>are they just as rough as other rugby players?
<TimeToComeClean>NoChorus: Made me lol
<NoChorus>I mean, do they run over each other if they fall out of their wheelchairs?
<NoChorus>because that would be fucking awesome
<FangBanger02>
__

** Joesia has joined
<complaintstavernbot>Welcome to the Complaint's Tavern Joesia! I see you are new here, please be sure to read our official rulebook, available here
<BratGothGirl>Joesia: HULLO
<angelishi>awww my jerbils want food
<Joesia>Hallo
<Joesia>So, whats this chat all about?
<angelishi>rape murder gore
<Miniskirt>ZOMBIESEX
<Joesia>seriously
<angelishi>yes
** Joesia has left [connection closed]
<GoThIc-PyRo>win
<angelishi>
<BratGothGirl>XDDDDD
__

<The-Stage-Name> ugh, i googled 'cowboy' for some cowboy hat reference pics.....i suppose i should have predictied the amount of gay porn that insued
__

** liquid-table has joined
<Gearmond> TimeToComeClean: yup. turns out, excessive sex solves at least one problem
** liquid-table has left
__

<Mattyohh> The day The Equinox arrived our pilgrimage began: 1200 miles, a cruise missile to our unholy land. We were fucking stoked unlike we'd been since we were pimpled, pubeless teens. From every corner of the world our fellow maniacs arrived to prove the meaning of the tunes had not been lost through time's antiquity, but had survived to leave this monumental sign. They say you can't relive the past, but as the lights went down it all came rushing back: half a life away, the night, for the first time in a lonely life, a young soul took flight. They stormed the stage a thrashing rage, we all screamed, Terminate!!!
<Neo-Kaiser> What about moist?
<TimeToComeClean> I like moist
<TimeToComeClean> So many connotations
__

Some lulzy bot records (too texty to include, so here's the link): [link]

Memorable Videos

[link] - Ghost of Stephen Foster. Animated musical brilliance, and creepy as HELL. Thanks to =JosephBenton!

[link] - Western Spaghetti. Let us make Spaghetti with THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE.

[link] - Hrmph. What would we do without the internet? TAKE MOAR NAPS!

[link] - Beaker's Ode to Joy. MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP!

[link] - Trippin' Billies. EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, FOR TOMORROW WE DIIIE. Also, best fiddle solo EVAR.

[link] - Havok Destruction Demo

[link] - Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version

[link] - Hank Hill calls Microsoft's Xbox Live Support

Foruscope

Cancer: Mars' influence in the third quarter this month is very strong, a sign that much care needs to be taken by those embarking on any sort of controversial action, lest the banhammer fall sharply upon their heads. Pluto also has made an appearance, so if you wake up one one morning to the strains of Billie Jean, then be sure to check around for flames and demons. Our quote from a famous Cancerian this month is startling in both its simplicity and naivety, but still worth listening to: When you do bad things, bad things happen to you.

Lucky plz:

Odds and Ends

If you have any quotes and/or videos to submit for the next issue of the newsletter, please note =cassiedj with the title "Tavern Newsletter: Quote" or "Tavern Newsletter: Video". PLEASE SPECIFY WHAT IS CONTAINED IN THE NOTE IN THE TITLE. Do you guys know how difficult it is to sort through all of your notes when all they say is "newsletter"? It's really hard. So do me a favor, and don't be lazy. Thank you.

If you want to write a blurb about a recent event involving the Tavern, please do, and please submit it to =cassiedj through note. Limit is one paragraph.

If you have any ideas about how to improve this newsletter, propose them to me in the chat or in a note! I'll definitely listen to any ideas that come my way.

If you sent in a quote, video, or blurb and it hasn't been included, I apologize. I'm trying to cut down on the amount of text in the newsletter, and I just can't include everything that comes my way. Don't be discouraged from sending things in, though, because I do appreciate it! Thank you!

A huge thank you to our contributors this month!

=TimeToComeClean for the interview,
`timmy64 for the advice column,
~TheDiseasedOne for the foruscupe,
*Mattyohh for the angry column,
=AceOfHearts848 for the beautiful features,
=CapnGarrett for his game segment,
`MegMcMuffin and *Warlock258 for the news,
=SylverKitsune for the video submissions (with commentary!),
And everybody else for the funny quotes and videos!

If I forgot anything, do tell me in a comment!