b>ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

You have never been one to shy away from a challenge. In fact, you thrive on it. Which is a great thing because you face a monumental challenge in the next few weeks. You must make a major decision on the 22nd; will it be chicken wings or pizza for lunch?


TAURUS (April 20 - May20):

It has been a very stressful time for you lately. The root of your stress lies with your work. Though you enjoy it, your job is very demanding upon your psyche. There is good news on the horizon however. Your boss will finally discover just how incompetent you are and fire your sorry ass.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):

Your life has fallen into a rut as of late. A change of routine is exactly what you need. Maybe take up a new hobby. Or get a new job. Or how about a job PERIOD. Seriously, what the fuck?! Everybody else has to earn their living. Go get a job!


CANCER (June 21 - July 22):

You need more cheese in your diet.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

Some people have a tendency to mistake your laid back approach to life to be laziness or a sign of incompetence. What they don’t realize is is that you genuinely don’t give a shit about anyone or anything.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

A change in career paths awaits you this month. Consider your strengths and weaknesses. Look openings and new opportunities. Maybe you could sell Oxyclean? Or become a Michael Jackson impersonator?


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

Money is going to be a major issue for you this month. You are going to need to figure out ways to generate new streams of income. Why not sell your body? No, not prostitution. Who’d want that body? No, you need to think about selling sperm, eggs, or blood.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

You will eat an egg salad sandwich on the 15th. It will be a very good sandwich.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21):

On the 16th you will meet a stranger. This stranger will puke all over your shoes due to acute food poisoning from eating a tainted egg salad sandwich.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

Romance is in the stars for you my friend. She will be the perfect woman for you. She will have all the qualities you could ever want. And best yet, she only charges $500 for the night. If you are a woman, then this means you are a lesbian.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

You must be very careful about what you say and who you say it around this month. I’m serious. I’ve been keeping my eye on you and I swear to god if you say one more thing to piss me off I will fucking kill you.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

You will seek revenge for an act done to you a long time ago. The act of vengeance will come in the form of a poisoned egg salad sandwich.