First of all, almost all arguments are based on opinions. Some common opinions include: religion, homosexuality¹ , politics, Twilight¹, the definition of art, etc.

Opinions are probably the most worthwhile argument you can champion a cause for because, contrary to what you may have been told before, opinions can be right or wrong, and you will eventually change someone's mind if you lambast and scream at them long enough.

Now that we have some of the most common arguments listed, let's get down to how to win!

State your opinion as fact. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face about it! Remember, the more forward you are about it, the more intimidated people will be and therefore more likely to campaign for your side!

Be intolerant of opposing opinions. As stated earlier, opinions can be right or wrong. But how can you tell the difference between which ones are right and which ones are wrong? That's easy! Yours are always right, and any that disagree or conflict with yours are always wrong! Refusing to consider any other side also shows how passionate you feel, which is an admirable quality sure to win over a few people to your side. Remember, there is no such thing as multiple points of view.

Use all caps where applicable to shout, and throw in swear words for effect. It makes you look real big and tough when you shout and curse. Only the meager, weak-willed pansies are afraid to use their outdoor voices and swears when disagreeing. Besides that, it makes you look super cool and grown-up.

Hurdle insults. Nothing makes people respect you more than when you insult them, because it reminds them of the truth, and the truth is always respected. In addition, it is an effective attention-grabber, and it is sure to get people to listen to what you have to say. _{Note: This tactic is particularly effective while campaigning for a religion.}

Make threats. The most effective threats are threats made online to total strangers, but in a pinch, anyone will do. It's sometimes even a good idea to insult everyone just reading the argument, even those not directly involved. Many people will accuse you of only further alienating yourself, but this is just a ploy to make you question yourself and you should not fall for it. The latter method should be attempted by professionals only.

Tell them you're finished with the argument, then keep posting more replies. This is a great tactic because you keep psyching people out. They think you're done, but you're not, oh no! Also, this helps you get the last word, which is a crucial point in winning any argument.

Be persistent. Continue voicing your way of thinking regardless if the person you are talking to is even listening. Perseverance is the key to success!

Do not be afraid to contradict yourself to make your point. The only standard is the standard that is squared! What applies to you does not apply to others, and vice versa.

Don't bother doing research beforehand. Who needs statistics? Researching is a waste of your time that could be better spent making stuff up instead. Statistics do nothing to further the credibility of your claims and you should avoid them at all costs.

So, in closing:


<sup>1: It is important to realize that, in some contexts, these two are interchangeable.



I refuse to underestimate the stupidity the human race is capable of, so I shall go ahead and spell this out: THIS IS SATIRE. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THE TACTICS LISTED. Otherwise, you could end up with a well-deserved ban.</sup>