Murkford Dictionary describes the term "Internet Loser" as:
Inter-net Lo-ser (Patheticus Oblivious)
1. A user of the internet who is unaware of how pathetic they are
2. A user of the internet who is openly hypocritical, and/or won't take their own advice or medicine

Being an internet loser - we're all guilty of it. And all for different reasons.
Here are 10 intellectual ways to spot an internet loser:


The "I'm fat and smell bad behind this keyboard" archetype
Once you've met these people, you understand why they have a problem with everybody and write Encyclopedia Dramatica articles all day. They're sad, unpopular people, who are so desperate for approval they go around dry-humping innocent bystanders and hitting on 6 year olds. Oh, and their hygiene really is terrible. Fuck.
When on the internet, you'll generally find them trolling and acting like they know anything about anything. At the very least, they tend to know how to type well, being the "intellectual" type; and they are admittedly pretty good artists, except they draw some fucking boring subject matter which is why they don't get the praise they want.

The "I'm a teenage hate machine living at my moms house" archetype
Sounds like the title of a TV comedy, really. And that's what those people are to me - a freakin' joke. Goths, emos, nazis, satanists... I'm telling you now, just because I draw cannibals and stuff, doesn't make me the slightest bit like you. My morbid side is purely humourous, and to get a reaction... not to try and be some "hardcore", racist, flag-burning, psychofaggot who owns too many knives, swords and/or guns. And as a general point of interest, one is too many for me.
Call me a square, friend I don't care, that little yellow sign can't be ignored. I pray for the day some of you grow up a little.

The "I roleplay even when I'm being serious" archetype
Have you ever had to lay the smackdown on someone for being a huge faggot? Tell them off good and proper? I was tearing chunks out of this guy once, and he was still trying to defend himself in between writing *lets out a heavy sigh* and *places hand on desk*. "Action comments" are fine on their own, but don't use them when you're trying to come across as serious... It does not work.

The "I live and breathe my OC" archetype
Okay, so I have Murk. It's perfectly valid to call me a hypocrite after this. But some people out there are fiercely into their OCs, in a sort of humourless, preachy, if-you-ask-me-a-single-question-it-becomes-a-2-hour-conversation kind of way.
"Hey Murk! What's Kotamayu about?"
"It's about ghosts living in space."
"Oh yeah? Cool. Hey Murk! What's the Cannibalhood about?"
"It's about a cannibal who eats zombies."
"Neat! I'll give it a read. Hey, , what's Blades of Ethenia about?"
"Well you see, Blades of Ethenia is a big story, and it'd take FAR too long to explain it all in full... (Insert pretencious laugh here) But basically its about the son of the Vampire Lord, Kevin, who was preparing to take the throne from his father on the night of the red moon, by slaying a dragon. His girlfriend, Mary-Suia, begs with him not to fight the dragon, because it is the last one in the Blood Realms, and she feels a deep connection with it being the last of the Dragon Tamers. She uses her special power to calm his soul so that he can become a destined hero and--"
"Geez. Forget I asked."
Oh. I hate listening to that crap. I really do. Its so...desperate. Also really "I'm never actually going to finish writing it." As soon as they stop talking, they'll start doing. I can promise them that.

The "I don't hate you, just your fanbase" archetype
So, okay, I can understand if you hate other people being all like "omg i love you, MurkHellsing!". It can get a little obnoxious if you take it seriously.
But the last thing I need is you telling me my work is crap and that I'm a terrible, annoying person just because other people like me. If you genuinely didn't like my work and felt the need to tell me, it would be a different story, but I did literally nothing and still get your bad attitude anyway. How about you attack my fans instead, if they're the ones bothering you? Or are you afraid they'll mutilate your tits off? It's such a pain.

The "I can't believe he just said that!" archetype
Almost always girls. And there are bound to be a few more of them after this article. The kind of people who read an article like this, pin me as being completely unreasonable and pretencious over one little thing, and then spend the next few months still watching me while they make nothing but snide, sideways comments.
And the abundant irony of the whole thing is that they're always strongly opinionated people, who've said far worse for far lesser reasons. The "I'm going to say page views are bad, but still display mine proudly and desperately clamour for more" kind of people... Anyone with more page views than me in a situation like this tends to just unwatch me and wipe their hands clean... It takes someone a little more pathetic to keep bothering.
And oh god, don't you dare start about how page views are unimportant. I fucking know.

The "I want you to like me, but it's too much effort" archetype
You ever get a gift you're not sure you want? Well I get them sometimes too.
"Fanart" if you can even call it that, that simply screams "I used MSPaint to stick your face on Arnies body" - it's not like I'm asking for someone to paint me the Murka Lisa... But why waste both of our time with something that makes absolutely no sense? What do you want me to even say to a picture like that? "I typed your name into a internet meme maker and pressed enter! Here's the picture!"... "I made a YouTube video of the word "Murk" with a band I like playing in the background"... You might as well write my name in macaroni.
There are people who are going to read this and get really pissed off. Please don't mistake me for someone who is ingrateful for actual fanart, but this instant-noodle level shit really tries my patience some days. And don't say I'm just being harsh on untalented people, either.

The "blatantly honest guy" archetype
People who are just blatantly honest when someone is no good, or doing something wrong. They really do piss me off, because I've got an ego like a hot air balloon, and they're a metaphorical tornado. But hey, I'm also one of them. I really don't mind telling people who think they're smart when they're not - its good for them. And its good for me to get the harsh end of the stick too - it makes me a better person in the long run, even if I hate every second of it. But again, its different when they're just calling me bad as a weapon for some other agenda, and wouldn't fit this archetype.
This is not an invitation to start telling me I'm not good enough for your suddenly much higher standards. But if you would like to critique my gallery honestly, even harshly, you know where to find it.

The "conservative wannabe-prodigy" archetype
The kind of person who is always talking about the art they've been making, but never posts any of it. Probably because it doesn't actually exist.. Although they insist we care, regardless. "I just drew a whole series of pictures and I think they're really good... But you can't see any of them because I know I can do better!"
Quality control is nice... But how do you expect to have anyone do anything but doubt you if you keep talking like that? Put up or shut up.

The "interjecting little twerp" archetype
You're in the middle of a heated conversation - comments are flying back and forth, you're defending your side of the argument (maybe not even well), and out of no-where this little kid with an opinion flies in like a throwing dagger and tries to stab you in the eye. You, of course, put him in his place; and he responds in turn by writing a journal about you and trying to get everyone against you. So you post a journal back, for the lolz, and suddenly just because he's younger than you, you're a big old meanie. It doesn't really bother me, but it's a lot of trouble over the opinion of a kid who had nothing to do with it. I should get better at trolling.

And that's about it. Now that I have half of you fat nerds sweating from your grubby neck flab down to your swollen grandma ankles, I think you should take a deep breath and think hard about what nasty comments you write before you embarass yourself by even bothering.
TTFN, my friends!